It's so hard to continually be kind to ourselves, especially with so much going on in the world, and in our personal lives. The daily stressors of life always pull us down. We are SO hard on ourselves, and we are constantly expecting so much. Why? We unknowingly do this to ourselves, and it's such an injustice. Let's live and focus on what we are doing right now, not what we want or should be doing. Living in the future can hold us back so much. There are days when I think about all the stuff I want to do and all the ways I want to change myself and my attitude, but sometimes it gets so overwhelming thinking about it all that I give up and don't do any of it. It's the thinking and trying to control everything that gets so many of us in trouble, in trouble with ourselves. Too much thinking, and not enough just being or doing the things we want without a plan. Planning and organizing has started to take over and it's beginning to drive me crazy, and then I don't even know where to begin.
Life is not meant to be controlled, because it's so out of our control. We all are wasting our beautiful and short time here worrying and thinking too much. We need to let go and start leaving things up to faith. Faith in the universe, humanity, and/or whatever higher power you believe in.
I started listening to a beautiful meditation podcast recommended by a friend, called "Live Awake".
It helps me in these many moments. Moments of unkindness, craziness and self-doubt towards myself. There are so many inspiring meditations here, and many of them make me cry.
The description given below on what it means to live awake is so wonderful.
"Live awake is about breathing your senses alive, seeing with vivid colour, tasting, smelling and loving with all of your being present and aware. Live Awake is about getting drunk on the beauty that is your life, about opening your eyes to the significance of all things small and large. It's about living without walls and opening to the beating heart found within everything."
My favourite meditation below resonates most for me, and I'm sure you will find aspects that you can relate to too. What I love most about it is that it ends on such a nice uplifting note, and it brings so much comfort and peace to me. I hope you enjoy reading it, and even have the chance to listen to some more; the experience is so much different.
"Practicing Gentle Kindness toward Ourself", by Sarah Blondin.
I know. I know the dark calls to you sometimes, that you turn your face from the light. I know you walk down roads you know you shouldn't, walk into places your heart is gently urging you not to. I know you see your habits and long to change them. I know you are tired of your worn out ways of being. Tired of reliving patterns and choosing painful choices. I know you feel hollow at times, like life is escaping you, dancing in front of you, but out of your reach somehow.
I know it hurts to live in the disconnect between what you are currently experiencing and what you know exists outside of you, beautifully without effort. I know how much it hurts to live there, in the divide between what you feel you are and what you wish you could be. I know you have tasted the sun on your skin and inhaled with complete trust, and that you too at times find it hard to move without knowing what's next. And at times life feels paralyzing.
I know you work so hard to control the outcome of your life, that you forget to breathe sometimes. That you live in the shallow end, that you forget to go deep, breathe deep. That you forget to meet yourself in the quiet and breathe yourself full again. That you forget there is a well of abundance and trust within you. That you forget to go there for fear of losing control. I know there are places within yourself that you do not love. The parts you try to wrestle away. I know they're there within you and that they steal away your joy. I know you visit them from time to time hoping they have somehow disappeared.
I know you travel between internal peace and trust and terror and fear. I know you long to live more in bliss where you know you are intended to live. I know you can feel it vibrating in your cells when you arrive there in the grace of bliss, that this is where you belong, or when you arrive there you are so alive it's as if everything around you is telling you yes, you are home.
But I know too, that shadows come and pull at your feet. That they come sometimes while you are asleep and drag you down into the familiar landscape of fear and doubt. I know you journey there too from time to time, wondering if the light will ever return, where you fear you will never outgrow this dance between the two worlds. I know you can see how much you have grown, that you are learning to taste heaven, that you swear sometimes you could grow wings. That you believe life is in your favour. That you are rising above your dark shadows, that you are becoming free. I know you live there in the tear between these two worlds, between the dark and the light. Between trust and distrust, between love and hatred, between acceptance and resistance, between control and faith, between sun soaked mornings and dark forests.
You are human my dear one, my dearest love, you are human. You are allowed to be in both ways, you are allowed. You are not wrong, you are not damaged. You are not failing because you still get lost in dark rivers, you are human. Be gentle when doubt comes, when fear chokes, when control debilitates. When loneliness blinds you, spend special care to love yourself in these dark corridors of your being. Spend special care to bring love to your own self, to take gentle care of your vulnerability when you are here. When you arrive in the dark, know you are being offered the chance to grow your own internal garden of love. That the dark offers you the chance to love all of the places you never dare, all of the places that challenge you, all of the places you curse. The dark offers a restoration of love to your entire being, no matter what land you stand in. When you are down you deserve more love, not less. Where we deprive ourselves of love, is where we need it most.
When the dark comes, tell it what it longs so deeply to hear, that you are loved. That you are loved in all of your shadow, and in all of your light. That you are loved in all of your various stages. Moments of fear or sadness cannot be cured or defeated. They can only be transformed by learning to love and support yourself when they arrive. It will come again, and again, giving you the opportunity to cultivate your own inner garden of love. And with time and practice, it will release, it will visit less. It will come not for days, but instead only moments. It will remind you from time to time to love yourself more. The dark, it serves you, you are learning to restore the love you lost, the love you forgot you were comprised of.
When the light comes, as it always does, even if only found for a moment on the crest of a wave, on a southern breeze, on a bead of dew, know that it is sending you its own unique message of love. Confirming that you without any effort on your part are being blessed. You are being showered. That the universe is a kind and loving one. That even in the great darkness that visits you, you are being taught how to love.
See here in this place lives also great light, they are part of one another, they hold the same message. They have the same intention. Give yourself permission to be in all the places you are without judgement or criticism or frustration. And let the process of life unfold as it is, change nothing about it, except for the amount of love you shower yourself with. Except for the amount of love you give to yourself, in both times of great joy and great unrest.
Peace and so much love xo
Well I guess this is the last day of the year, and my last post of 2017. I can't believe I started this blog almost one year ago. I wish I could say a lot has changed and I'm in a much better place than the beginning of the year, but the truth is, it's a lot of the same. I just try to keep my head up and to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I'm grateful for the network of supportive people I choose to have in my life to help me to do that. In my last post I talked about hope, the point of it, and the idea of giving it up; I'm not going to give up hope, but I'm going to stop hoping, if that makes any sense. I'm going to give my heart a break, because it's been through so much already.
I'm going to live my life today, and not for tomorrow. I'm going to immerse in the fullness of my heart today, not in the heart I want tomorrow. I feel more grateful today than I've ever felt in my life. So grateful that there's nothing more I want because I'm so blessed with what I already have, I don't need a single thing.
I don't really make New Years resolutions, but if I had to make one, it would be to just fully immerse my heart in today, and not tomorrow, or next week, month, or year. What I have is incredible, and I'm truly lucky. It's so beautiful, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Peace, love and blessings to you for a healthy, and beautiful New Year.