We often expect so much of ourselves, consciously and subconsciously. Whether it is things we should be doing, how we should be feeling, or the person we should be. And when we don't meet those expectations we can be really hard on ourselves, and lose track of who we really are.
After losing Isabel, some things easily became black and white for me. They were things that seemed so simple and straight forward to recognize. It was easier for me to label right from wrong, easy from hard, good, bad, etc. But I had an experience that was neither black nor white, it was some shade of grey, and I didn't realize it was even grey until it was too late and I was in the midst of it. I let myself enter into a situation that could potentially be uncomfortable and awful. And it turned out to be the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time. I hated it, and wished I could have avoided it altogether. It was the worst. I was even having physical reactions to the emotions I was feeling. Heard of fight or flight? I had those reactions. I was sweating all over, turning red, trembling and wanted to run away. I wanted to flee but I didn't, I stuck it out because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. It took so much out of me and I was trying to hide it at all in. I not only expected myself to be able to handle the situation, but expected to handle it alone. And I didn't expect to open myself up to the unknown.
We try to control our environment to protect ourselves from so much, things that we know we will be uncomfortable with, or we fear. I have protected myself many times before, but this time I didn't because I didn't know that I needed it, I thought I was strong enough. Some people would call it bravery, but I call it high expectations of myself. What I really feel, is that I threw myself under the bus. What was I thinking? The truth is that I wasn't.
I've being trying so hard to be more comfortable in my skin, and have really tried to understand what makes and breaks me. But this isn't always possible, so I've realized that sometimes you just have to be okay with not being okay. Everything passes.
Lessons seemed to have been getting easier for me, but this showed me that as I continue to grow and live, they actually become more difficult. And I realize that this too is okay. If we are too comfortable, then we aren't always able to grow. And maybe this was just what I needed; everything has felt a little misaligned lately. This new perspective could be to remind me how important patience and peace with ourselves is and that we must always remember to be kind, even to ourselves.
Peace & Love