Looking back at my New Years post, I realized that I have been not always been living in the present. And that I have actually been living in two different worlds: the present and the future. I am doing so much to control the future, and it's doing more harm than good. Living like this, as you can imagine, has taken an enormous amount of energy from me. It's a huge load my shoulders carry each day, it's very disruptive, and it is controlling me more than I want. My mental health is bad, and I can't have that. After everything I've been through and how far I've come, I cannot let this destroy me. I can't not be at my best, because I have a beautiful, innocent, little boy that relies on me for everything, and I can never let him down. I can never let his smile disappear.
I'm struggling so much with wanting a baby, while living the rest of my life. It's holding me back from so much. It's stealing my moments of joy. I am investing so much time, money, and emotions. It's always there in my head, it steals my peace, and replaces it with worry. It's taking all my energy, and often times I feel like giving up, and forgetting the past, just so I can try to live a normal life.
However, it's so engrained in my body, mind and spirit that I won't give up that easily, but, I will park it. I will park it until I get some peace and joy back. The peace and joy that I so easily felt after losing Isabel. The longer I keep myself in this worried and unknown state, the more I lose time in other parts of my life that matter. The more I lose time doing the things I love.
I do not want to do this, but I need to. I need to look after myself and the people that exist in my life, and sadly more than I need to look after the baby that doesn't exist inside my belly.
The things we need to do, are so often the hardest. It's very hard to accept this reality, because I thought I was stronger than this, ready to take pain after pain, but there is only so much a heart can take. Everyone breaks. And when that happens you need to take care of you, even if it's not what you really want or expected from yourself. It's okay. It's okay to stop and take a long deep breath. And it's okay to not know what's coming next. It really is.
Peace, joy & all my love.